Blog Post – Dating and Relationship Coaching

Everything is #@%!ed [Book Review]

One of the key tenets that I tell my clients is that you need to be in a good dating state of mind in order to meet someone new. After reading Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope (which you can purchase by clicking on the book cover and the bonus of fueling this blog), by Mark Manson. I can now go much deeper with what that means. Having a good dating state of mind is not about just being positive, and putting your best foot forward. Instead, it is about being realistic with who you are and having a firm grasp on what hope means to you, and more, understanding that sometimes life sucks and you’re OK with that.

How does that help you find the person of your dreams? Quite simply, opening yourself up to another person is tough. And it is even tougher if you are simply putting on a happy face for show. And being in place where you react with your emotions alone makes you more vulnerable to feeling hopeless when things don’t go your way.

This book is an incredibly simple read, and the third of his three books I have read (so a big fan and I will be doing a review on Models as the number self help book for men I coach!) If you have ever felt that life is just not fair. Or that you keep wishing and hoping for good things but they just aren’t happening, then this is the eye opener you need to read. Learning to accept life as it is. To be present in the moment, understanding that pain is the universal constant, and that is OK. And more to the point to give you a direct path to have a better life right now, instead of just waiting for it to happen once you find the one.

As always, Mark Manson talks in a relatable voice, with humour, and down to earth language, even when referencing Plato, Kant, and Nietzsche (which is not easy to do). So I highly recommend this book as an integral part of getting your best self out into the dating scene!

Blog Post, Guest Blogs, Money and Relationships

Money and Relationships [Guest Post]

In any solid relationship, the key foundation is excellent communication. But there is one area that I see couples struggle with time and time again, and that is when it comes to talking about money and financial matters. The statistics around divorce rates clearly indicate that money is the number one cause, with infidelity a very close second. Why is this so often the case? Quite simply, we as a society are very poor at discussing our financial situations with anyone, including our spouses.

This guest post, perfectly sums up the angst and questioning when it comes to money and relationships. Please note that the link contains images that are NSFW (Not safe for work).

Money and Relationships (NSFW)

So if you, or anyone you know are suffering from the relationship burden of finances, please know that you are not alone. Help is available. We are all in this together and need to end the stigma around talking about our finances.

Blog Post

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater…?

This phrase has become so commonplace that I don’t think we even give it a second thought. If a person has been cheated on, we use it to make them feel better. If a person admits to cheating, it becomes the rationalization to never forgive, become distrustful and often times sever the relationship. But is that really fair? Has this term become such a cliche that we have forgotten that every single relationship and circumstance has its own story and more than that, 2 sides?

Let’s consider the young, dumb, horny teenager who cheated on their first partner when drunk. Are they forever now burdened with the title of a cheater because they made a juvenile mistake? Are they allowed to grow, develop and mature from the experience and possibly move on? Or is it like the bad tattoo that must follow them forever?

What about women who after birthing 4 beautiful children has put on weight and her partner no longer finds her attractive? Is she to be labelled a cheater for life when she in desperation found comfort from a co-worker that one time? The one indiscretion that allowed her to go and face her family with a smile on her face for the first time in a decade? She didn’t sign up for celibacy and at the same time does not want to destroy her family. And she vows it will never happen again. Do we believe her? Or is she doomed to suffer and have her marriage crumble beneath her?

The thing is, labeling someone a cheater is never so clear cut as we want it to be. If you have ever been cheated on, or have cheated in the past and you are having troubles moving on, I can help you move past the indiscretion and learn how to love yourself and others again. It’s time to find forgiveness and become whole again.

Krys

ghislaine9999@gmail.com

Blog Post, Online Dating Tips

Online Dating: The Woman Who Message First

Over the past few weeks I have been getting a large number of messages from women. I am not sure why, but I sure appreciate it. Now that I have a little more information to go off, I am boldly going to make a comparative statement of opening online dating messages. Woman rarely make the first move other than a timid like. This may be why the pool of users on Bumble is so low. And when we do, and I am including myself here for fairness and honesty, it is usually terribly awkward or just plain lackluster. Of all the messages I have received from women the only ones noteworthy are from those just looking to be friends. You see, they have nothing to lose in being themselves. This reality hurts my little feelings. But there, I said it. Woman’s openers when they are looking for anything more than friendship, are terrible. “Hey there”, “you’re cute”, and “I just thought I would say a quick hi” are a few examples.

And while we are on the topic women, “hi” is a terrible opener. I don’t know if we do it just to test the water and see if someone really is on the other end. Or perhaps we are shy. Or maybe just spineless and cannot handle another rejection. But seriously, we can do better. If we expect guys to be clever, to read our profiles and come up with something not copy and pasted, then guess what? We have to give back too. I know how excited men get when a woman messages first. So, do yourself a favor and say something funny, clever, or interesting. Do to men what we want them to do to us.

Now once a conversation miraculously gets going, there is room for improvement in the first few lines. Women, seem to treat online dating like an interview. It is question, after question after question. Whereby men, make a surprising amount of statements. Statements that seem to have no forethought as to where the recipient is supposed to go with the conversation. With women, I can barely keep up with the questions, and have to take a deep breath to ensure I take the time to ask questions back. With men on the other hand, I am constantly trying to fuel a conversation, or fight to keep it flowing.

So here I have but a few suggestions for those initial online dating messages that should work for both sexes, and that is simply to be yourself. The goal is to meet at some point, right? Show some personality, take that ridiculously small risk. You do not know the person on the other end so making mistakes is fine. Test out the waters, test out some messages, try new things, try new approaches and this does not mean practice your small talk! I would strongly recommend that you make a fake profile if you are struggling to figure out what to say. Perhaps you could even try making one for the opposite gender that you are after and then try to have a conversation. You may figure out a style of communication that is attractive and you want to start using yourself. As we are losing the ability to communicate with humans, you may have to fake a scenario to educate yourself and put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. Gain some insight from the other side to recognize what you are most definitely doing wrong if you cannot seem to get conversation going.

So, message someone your interested in, male or female, in a voice that works for you. And please, ladies, keep trying. Keep messaging me, and I will do the same. If we work together, maybe we can have some fun?

Do you want to learn more about how to make a great first impression? Check out my Online Dating shop on Etsy!

Blog Post, Online Dating Tips

Dating Profiles and Avoiding Negativity

In a previous post I mentioned some things to avoid when it comes to online dating. Now I want to share some useful information I have discovered when it comes to just getting started, and putting up your profile or preparing yourself to go out there and meet people. The very important task of how do you sell yourself is something that successful people put thought into prior to dating. It is important to ask how do you see yourself, what image are you portraying to those people around you, and the toughest one, do these two images actually represent who you want to be.

First impressions are important. Yes, you can overcome a bad first impression, however it is easier to just put a great foot forward on the first try. Who wants an even bigger challenge, when you can get it right the first time? One of the first things I notice online, is if a guy or gal has negativity in their profile. How fantastic is it when you meet someone for the first time and within seconds you get a sob story? This person will become an object to avoid, for fear of being sucked down into that void of bleakness. The same logic should apply when setting up your profile. Do not have a list of things that you hate, and pet peeves, especially within the first few lines. If you can take the time to spell out what you do not like, try putting the same effort into what you do like, or perhaps even love?

Also try to avoid statements that could spark a negative emotion. For example saying that you hate online dating, could make the reader feel guilt for being online themselves looking for love. Or by saying this is the last time you are trying this because women/men are crazy. Come on, this just leaves a bad taste in the readers mouth. What are you going to talk about on your first date? All the horror stories from online dating, finding out all the red flags of a person, only to realize that you found out nothing about a person’s passions, goals or aspirations in life. You need to ignite a positive vibe, come up with something that an onlooker wants to find out more about.

These are not complex ideas, and yet more than half of the profiles I read if they get past the “will fill out later” have something bad to say in them. And once you start getting a few people interested in you that you do not feel the same about, it is easy to start putting up walls to protect yourself. I found my biggest surprise in E when I was online dating. There are great and amazing people on there, you just have to ensure that you are one of them first and foremost.

Do you want to learn how to make a fantastic Online Dating Profile? Click here!

If you liked this post, and want to read more, please check out Breaking Away From Monogamy blog.

Blog Post, Guest Blogs, Online Dating Tips

Guest Blogger: A Man’s Do’s and Don’ts by Patches

Anyone that references Indiana Jones in her bio on her blog page is good in my books, so I thought I would add my two cents to one of her recent posts about the wonderful world of online dating from a single males perspective. Just as her other guest blogger wrote, these opinions are mine. Some may disagree, and that is their right to do so. I may be wrong, but I may also be right…

1. Be Respectful
Being respectful goes both ways, and I will do my best to explain here. As mentioned in her earlier blog post, K-Ghislane said that sending photos of your junk to women is bad form. Now, there are those of you out there that would disagree. Some women actually enjoy receiving said pictures, I happen to know a few of them, but they only like receiving them from their significant other. You know…. the ones that they are currently in some sort of relationship with beyond the cold, emotionless keyboard you’re sitting behind. Hell, I’ve even sent some of those kinds of photos to my partner (when I had one). All you’re doing when you send pics of the junk is immediately putting a woman in defense mode. She very likely won’t respond to many messages that contain those kind of images. You want to see those images, there are porn sites you can visit. You’re ruining the online dating experience for the rest of us. Many women don’t respond to messages because of you, which leads me to my second point about being respectful.

Even though she stole my thunder (I told her that on twitter…. insert eye roll emoticon here), I need to reiterate and emphasize it again. Ladies, please, if a gentleman sends you a very nice, very respectable message, please respond to it. This will satisfy a number of different issues that happen in the world of online dating. Firstly, if you are not interested in the person sending the message, tell them so. 95 out of 100 times, the person on the other end will take it for what it is, move on, and no longer send you message after message after message. For the 5 guys that continue to send messages, that’s what the block feature is for, or report them to the administrator of the site as being harassing. Secondly, I believe that the majority of people in this world have good intentions, and mean well. If you do respond, and strike up a conversation, even though it might not turn out to be “The One” you are meant to be with, you may have met a great friend. Someone that you hang out with outside in the real world. And really, at the end of the day, that should be worth it in itself.

2. Have some recent photos of yourself
So, here we were, chatting for a couple of weeks, had made plans to meet up about a week into our online dating conversation. Everything was going well, on the same page about a number of things. The date was quickly approaching. She was excited, I was excited. It just felt like perhaps we might get off of the online dating site at the same time. I arrived at the pub about 15 minutes early. I like to make sure I can get a table or booth where our conversation can be properly private. I’m sitting in the booth, and I send her a message explaining that I had arrived, and gotten us a booth. A women that looked vaguely familiar walks up to the table and says “Hi Patrick!” My pics are recent, so I’m easily recognizable. I ask who she is, if we’ve possibly met somewhere before. She says “It’s me, Jane!” (name altered for obvious reasons). I pulled out my cell phone and brought up her profile, which was still open from when I had messaged her earlier, showed her the photo of her, and asked her where this woman was? Turns out, her pictures were about 7 years or more old. I politely paid for a drink together, thought I would give the benefit of the doubt, but couldn’t get past the fact that I felt like I had been lied too. Again, this applies to both sexes. I know guys that have pics up from when they were in great shape from playing some sport, but now look like a retired football player. For the love of all that is fair and right, make sure your pics are recent! Safe to say within the last 6 months or earlier.

3. Be on time
This might be just a “me” issue, but please, be on time. If you agree to meet at 7:00pm, be there at 7. Not 7:15 or 7:30 or 8!. In today’s day and age, our time is precious. We don’t have a lot of it to spare, at least I know I don’t most times. And just like I mentioned above about being respectful of one’s messages, respect the other persons time. I completely understand that sometimes things happen. Traffic might be really bad because of an accident on the route to the meeting place, or maybe you got a speeding ticket (actually this has happened to me). But those are rare situations, and all it takes is a quick message to let the other person know. This by far has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. 5 minutes is acceptable without a message. Anything more, and I would let the other person know why I was late and my approximate arrival time.

So, there you have it. My two cents. Of course, I’m always open to receiving feedback, and enjoy hearing other peoples stories about this crazy online world we live in. Most importantly though, stay safe out there. Sadly, there are too many stories of crazy people out in the online dating world. Tell a friend where you are going, and message them when you get there and halfway through. I even tell my date to message their safe person at some point in the evening. But that’s just me! And lastly, if you as an individual are not happy with yourself. If you feel that another person can bring you happiness and joy, that they can fill that black hole in your heart and soul, well you shouldn’t be on an online dating site. No one can make you happy and healthy. Only you can make that happen. Get yourself better before you hurt someone without meaning too.

Cheers,
Patches

For more insight from our guest blogger, please follow him on twitter @WallPatches
Cheers!

Blog Post, Online Dating Tips

Direct Communication

Do you have troubles like I used to with being direct? Read my story below, and for more like it, please check out the complete blog .

This may be an odd thing to write about, especially seeing as to many this could be viewed as a very basic concept, but I must admit it is one that I have been poor at for a long time. In my teens I went through a common communication loop where every reaction I had was in the negative. If someone asked if I wanted to do something, my teenage angst self would reply with “no”, and then I would wait to be talked into doing it. I was reluctant to accept anyone’s ideas or thoughts outright and needed to be swayed. I was skeptical and close minded about all new things and ideas. To this day I still find myself falling into this pattern. Just last weekend, when asked a direct question, without even thinking I said no, and then pathetically tried to talk myself out of the no because it was not even close to the appropriate answer.

But here I am trying very diligently to break this habit and start forming new ones that integrate directness with accuracy, and no longer default to my habitual negative reactions. What is surprising me most about this quest, is my interactions with men on the online dating community. When a guy I was not interested in would message me a few years ago, I would react with a negative answer, or I would just delete the person from my message folder. One is negative, and the other some would argue is even worse, being just passive aggressive. Neither made me feel very good, and on some level I knew that I had to change my reactions to something that would not leave me in that bad mood I was left with.

So a couple of weeks ago I tried something different when a similar typed male who would message me. I tried being direct, clear, concise and most importantly removed the wishy washy language, from my return messages. Shockingly, by simply saying, “thanks for the message. You are not my type, but best of luck to you”, I am getting the most amazing replies. Instead of having guys try and argue their way into my head, or get angry or wounded by my rejection, they reply with a simple “no problem, and have a good night”. It baffles me just how wonderful this new feedback loop is. I remove all emotion or vagueness from my replies, and I receive in return simple replies back without any animosity. I can appreciate right now if you are reading this and going, “well duh K, what did you think would happen. Have you honestly never dealt with men before?” And yes if you are still reading to this point you are welcome to judge me for such a simple fact that I feel like I have just discovered, but consider this.

My entire adult life, I have been working on seductions, love, building relationships and improving communication with people that I was really interested in. Not once did I really stop to think about all the relationships out there that I do not want, and how to react to those in a kind, but firm manner. And that is the point of this very specific skill set that has been brought to light for me. There is importance in learning how to close a door, and likewise value in learning how to just walk past a door without even looking in. I get lost in the middle, whereby I look at the door, contemplate the door and then either wish that I had never looked at the door, or stand there blankly when the door gets opened for me. So finally figuring out that there can be a positive outcome to just closing down a conversation with someone right from the get go is a huge thing for me. Direct communication has made me insecure for a long time. It is not a form of communication that I ever thought needed practice or even a second thought. And wouldn’t you know, I was obviously wrong, and can only start practicing this missed opportunity on a go forward basis.

Blog Post, Online Dating Tips

Dating: The How To… Online

I received a comment from dating, how to, and I realized that this needed a full blog. I really love feedback and your comments. It keeps my writing current and hopefully you the reader coming back to this site or maybe even bookmarking it as a favorite? So onwards for the topic of internet dating and meeting people from the cyber land in person for the first time. I have dated, met friends, and my current boyfriend all via the online world of internet dating. I fully endorse this system of getting out there as an amazing tool if used correctly and I will elaborate on that shortly. For this blog I have also sourced out some questions to a man who almost made a full time job of the online dating scene to ensure that the information provided will work for both sexes.

So first and foremost, breath, and relax. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but when I found myself single and very alone, it was my mom who suggested the online world. I took her advice, poured myself a glass of wine and began to create my online profile. I’m not sure if it was to booze or the nerves of putting myself into the online world of dating but suffice to say I learned a lot about myself. I followed the structure that the dating site provided, answered all questions and uploaded a couple of photos. Within a week I deleted the profile! The main reason being is that the stuff I wrote about myself, based on the responses from the guys online, just wasn’t who I really was. Which brings me to a really critical point about the online world, it is so easy to write a profile depicting the person you think you are or want to be. And this is exactly what I had inadvertently done.

In the back of my mind I knew I couldn’t be objective about who I was, and I needed to figure out a few things. I began to write a bit and really figure out what makes me me. Two and a half weeks later I re wrote a profile and gave it another shot. When I was able to write objectively and keep in mind that these are men I potentially want to meet I was more honest and upfront. I know I stretched the truth in my first profile, so I am sympathetic with those who want to write about themselves in the best light possible. But I would really recommend writing about the good and truthful attributes that make you so special and sexy to a possible mate, and just keep the rest to yourself. No use lying as it’s a dead end when you meet in person.

Next step is to have fun. Possibly a harder one to do as the temptation to keep it really serious and find that soulmate can be very strong. But here’s the reality, you will not and I quote here, “hit a home run the first time you get out there”. Online dating is a very specific skill set and it takes a bit of practice. If you take it too seriously you will sink, you will get frustrated and you will not want to ever tell anyone that you met your partner online. It’s fun going through photos and checking out profiles, so don’t kid yourself. It’s a great invention this online dating pool, as you get a photo and a few written words or a predefined survey that the anonymous person has filled out. Are they a smoker? do they have kids? a car? and the list goes on. These questions are things that you don’t get to ask on a first date or in a bar, so there is an element that makes it easier to weed out people. There are many tools built into this online system that if used correctly and in a fun way can give you some great experiences.

I’m going to give a few tips that helped me out and I hope will be valuable to someone out there too. I firmly believe that an online dating site is like a great sorting hat. That being said it’s remarkably easy to sway and get swayed buy the written word. One of the systems I implemented for myself was not to write back and forth more than a few times before setting up a meeting in person. It is very easy to idealize an only person that you seem to click with over the net. The studies have shown that there is a very specific chemistry that either occurs or just doesn’t in a first time meeting. It sucks when you have invested a month chatting with someone, you really feel that everything clicks, and then you meet, and bleh! There is just nothing there. And believe me this happened so freaking often to me that it prompted this meeting rule.

This goes hand in hand with a point that my “expert” mentioned which is that you can use this opportunity to meet new people. Keep the online sweet and simple, use it as a filtering tool. As well it was recommended to meet all sorts of people. especially those that you may not normally seek out. I have met a few people online, that when we got together there was no chemistry, but still there was something awesome about them that made us continue a great friendship. If you are having fun, you open the doors to new experiences and get to experience new people. Plus if you are having fun with it, making mistakes is not so costly. And guess what? There are a tonne of mistakes to be made when meeting a person for the first time under these circumstances.

Because of this some safeguards should be in place, especially for the female variety. I always told a friend the time and location of each person I was meeting. I even went so far as to have them on the phone while I waited for the guy to show up. This ensured that if it was a total creep or I felt uncomfortable I had an very easy out. Of course public places are a must. This next tip is good to keep in mind both with the first meeting and the first date, and that is that for all Internets and purposes this is a total stranger. Do not be afraid to walk away if they have outright lied about their appearance. Who knows what else they could be lying about. This warning is a bit dire, however safety is something to always consider and there is truth to online predators.

The last point as brought up by the comment that sparked this blog is about facebook and social media. Learn from past mistakes and don’t give out your facebook information. This is a total stranger and these sites are for friends or family. You open yourself up to a whole heap of uncomfortable outcomes by letting this person have access to your life in this way. A few examples of why I don’t encourage this sharing of information are as follows. You are granting the person access to your information, even as simple as the way your friends interact with you online, this person is not a friend at this point. Also you are giving the person permission to perceive you in a way that may not be the way you really are or as people who have known you for years do. This goes hand in hand with not sending more than a few emails before meeting. Its very easy to get sucked into reading into pictures or comments of a person you barely know, and projecting your own experiences into their online memories. Very creepy, and of course this can lead directly into stalking of you or your friends.

On that note, have fun firstly. Be safe and enjoy the experience of meeting all these new people. Of course if you meet a creep or have the worst date ever, write it down, or share it with your friends. Look back on the adventure with as much fondness as you can, because you made it fun. Your life has new people in it because of this online world of dating.

To read more dating tips from K-Ghislaine, or to view the full blog please click here.