Very few in my generation were taught to advocate for themselves. It was something that I learned through trial and a lot of errors, in both my professional and my personal life. Knowing when to speak up, when to listen, and when to really go to battle over something you believe in takes time, wisdom, and experience. But throughout it all, there is a skillset that can make a whole world of difference, and that is by first creating healthy boundaries. And then, and this is key, adjusting and re-evaluating them with new situations and experiences.
In the toddler phase of life, the fascination with the word “no” is real. This small yet powerful word is the gateway to autonomy, and in the hands of a 2 year old it can elicit terror and fear to anyone around them. No, no, NOOOOO! Screams the little one, voicing their distress at one thing after another, and increasingly discovering that they are using the word for things they actually want, thereby increasing their distress. This for many of us, is a relatable first experience with creating a boundary.
For some, this was such a traumatic event that they have tried raising their little ones with the word yes, being taught before the word no. I am eager to see what studies share about that social experiment in 20 years, but while we wait for that date, let’s assume that we all walked away from our first boundary creation a little confused. No right minded parent can possibly take every single no that comes out of their toddlers mouth as gospel. Clearly the 2 year old, does not have the capacity for using no as a boundary, but rather, as a boundary pusher, much to the lament of all involved.
But all is not lost when comes to the word no. In fact, once we have a little maturity under our belt, no, can and should be our most powerful of allies in our own autonomy. When it comes to sexual advances in particular, the use of no, is now taught as being a complete sentence. And that my friends, is your first tool, in creating your own healthy boundary.
The next tool, in our kit, is in creating a boundary for our mental health and well being. No one functions their best, when they are close to burning out. Yes, even you, dear procrastinator who believes you work best under pressure! There comes a point, for all of us, whereby you no longer have the capacity to be productive, or be objective in a situation. So let us look at a few simple tools that we can incorporate into our everyday lives to create a healthy buffer for our mental health, or as I like to call it, an emotional boundary.
- Drink more water
- Go for little walks, or stretch
- Take a few slow, deep breaths, try box breathing, or Google a variation of breath technique for stress that you feel comfortable trying
- Smile (no I don’t mean this in a patronizing way) but there is strong evidence that mood changes occur with laughter, and the upward activation of the corner lip muscles!
- Write it down: If you have a stress that you keep thinking about try putting in on paper, as an active method of release, giving your brain a break for holding on to it.
While this list could go on and on, I’ll cap it at an easy 5 to get you started. These quick little items can be done at any time during the day, and while they may not seem on the surface like much, taking a small physical action can a dramatic effect on what happens next, often combating the rising stress levels that we are almost all dealing with. Yup, that little list it the start of building your boundary foundation, and you can start it right this very moment! No, this isn’t a cure or even a replacement for a great therapist, but sometimes, taking that small sip of water is the extra beat you need to prevent you bursting into tears. Or that little walk is just the time and space you need, so you mind can process what it’s up against next.
The final tool that I want to share, is asking for a pause, a minute, or a break. And no I don’t mean a “Friends” break whereby you have arbitrarily given yourself permission to do something you know you shouldn’t. If, or when you and your partner begin to have the same fight, that you have had 50 times already, asking for a moment to regain your composure, and clarity, can be a major key in keeping that downward spiral at bay. When those emotions begin to get the best of you, the moment you realize what is happening try to say I need a minute.
The first time you say it, it will probably be too late in the fight, but with time, you’ll get faster, and more articulate. And in turn, your partner will be more prepared to react the way you need, or want in that moment. New skills take practice, but as someone who utilizes the “hang on, I need a minute” on a semi regular basis, I can tell you, it works. And, it’s a boundary that I wish I had learned as a teenager, right about the time those pesky hormones started wreaking havoc on my emotions.
If you found this article helpful, and would like to learn more, or to book one-on-one coaching, please reach out via the Contact Me page. For more information specific to creating healthy boundaries outside of monogamy I encourage you to read: Creating Ground Rules and Boundaries in Non-Monogamy.
