Ever wonder how you actually find other Non-monogamous people? This post goes into some of the best tried and true methods to find like minded non-monogamous individuals. So whether you are looking to Swing, Date, or more, this piece has tips for where the non-monogamous gather.
Click here to read on…
If you caught the last post about how to bring up non-monogamy for the first time to a partner and loved it… I have excellent news! The second in the series is now live on Medium! Creating Ground Rules in Non-Monogamy
As the term non-monogamy becomes more mainstream, (with an estimated 20% of the US population having tried some form of non-monogamy according to the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy published in 2016) the question often gets asked, how do you bring up non-monogamy to a partner, especially that first time? Whether you just want to have a discussion and see what your partner thinks of the whole thing, or if the idea of swinging, polyamory, or opening up your relationship has crossed your mind, you are not alone. After nearly a decade of researching, blogging, podcasting, and coaching singles and couples I have definitely learned a few things that have worked more consistently than others, and of course the what not to do’s.
As an aside, if you have already tried having the conversation and feel like you just crashed and burned, don’t worry. That is how my first open relationship started and I am still here learning, growing, and expanding my knowledge. While at times I wanted desperately to pretend I had never heard the term “open relationship” there was no going back for me. Pandora’s box had been opened, and the depth to which I love myself, and those around me would not have been possible without the term being introduced into my life, no matter how it happened. And with my partner we learned to be patient, loving, supportive, and figure out what made us both tick, and you can learn all these things too. I truly believe that there is no one size fits all relationship norm, and thus, I have written this article to be inclusive of any gender or relationship style outside of monogamy. And, if this is your first foray and you have no clue where to even begin, you have definitely come to the right place! So, let’s dive right into having that taboo conversation with a loved one, for the first time.
Before you can even entertain the thought of bringing up anything outside of monogamy to your partner, it is important that you first ask yourself what it is that you want. Why are you bringing up this “taboo” subject in the first place? What is your motivation, fantasy, or desired outcome? What do you envision a non-monogamous relationship will look like? Or even, what it could look like?
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In any solid relationship, the key foundation is excellent communication. But there is one area that I see couples struggle with time and time again, and that is when it comes to talking about money and financial matters. The statistics around divorce rates clearly indicate that money is the number one cause, with infidelity a very close second. Why is this so often the case? Quite simply, we as a society are very poor at discussing our financial situations with anyone, including our spouses.
This guest post, perfectly sums up the angst and questioning when it comes to money and relationships. Please note that the link contains images that are NSFW (Not safe for work).
Money and Relationships (NSFW)
So if you, or anyone you know are suffering from the relationship burden of finances, please know that you are not alone. Help is available. We are all in this together and need to end the stigma around talking about our finances.
Anyone that references Indiana Jones in her bio on her blog page is good in my books, so I thought I would add my two cents to one of her recent posts about the wonderful world of online dating from a single males perspective. Just as her other guest blogger wrote, these opinions are mine. Some may disagree, and that is their right to do so. I may be wrong, but I may also be right…
1. Be Respectful
Being respectful goes both ways, and I will do my best to explain here. As mentioned in her earlier blog post, K-Ghislane said that sending photos of your junk to women is bad form. Now, there are those of you out there that would disagree. Some women actually enjoy receiving said pictures, I happen to know a few of them, but they only like receiving them from their significant other. You know…. the ones that they are currently in some sort of relationship with beyond the cold, emotionless keyboard you’re sitting behind. Hell, I’ve even sent some of those kinds of photos to my partner (when I had one). All you’re doing when you send pics of the junk is immediately putting a woman in defense mode. She very likely won’t respond to many messages that contain those kind of images. You want to see those images, there are porn sites you can visit. You’re ruining the online dating experience for the rest of us. Many women don’t respond to messages because of you, which leads me to my second point about being respectful.
Even though she stole my thunder (I told her that on twitter…. insert eye roll emoticon here), I need to reiterate and emphasize it again. Ladies, please, if a gentleman sends you a very nice, very respectable message, please respond to it. This will satisfy a number of different issues that happen in the world of online dating. Firstly, if you are not interested in the person sending the message, tell them so. 95 out of 100 times, the person on the other end will take it for what it is, move on, and no longer send you message after message after message. For the 5 guys that continue to send messages, that’s what the block feature is for, or report them to the administrator of the site as being harassing. Secondly, I believe that the majority of people in this world have good intentions, and mean well. If you do respond, and strike up a conversation, even though it might not turn out to be “The One” you are meant to be with, you may have met a great friend. Someone that you hang out with outside in the real world. And really, at the end of the day, that should be worth it in itself.
2. Have some recent photos of yourself
So, here we were, chatting for a couple of weeks, had made plans to meet up about a week into our online dating conversation. Everything was going well, on the same page about a number of things. The date was quickly approaching. She was excited, I was excited. It just felt like perhaps we might get off of the online dating site at the same time. I arrived at the pub about 15 minutes early. I like to make sure I can get a table or booth where our conversation can be properly private. I’m sitting in the booth, and I send her a message explaining that I had arrived, and gotten us a booth. A women that looked vaguely familiar walks up to the table and says “Hi Patrick!” My pics are recent, so I’m easily recognizable. I ask who she is, if we’ve possibly met somewhere before. She says “It’s me, Jane!” (name altered for obvious reasons). I pulled out my cell phone and brought up her profile, which was still open from when I had messaged her earlier, showed her the photo of her, and asked her where this woman was? Turns out, her pictures were about 7 years or more old. I politely paid for a drink together, thought I would give the benefit of the doubt, but couldn’t get past the fact that I felt like I had been lied too. Again, this applies to both sexes. I know guys that have pics up from when they were in great shape from playing some sport, but now look like a retired football player. For the love of all that is fair and right, make sure your pics are recent! Safe to say within the last 6 months or earlier.
3. Be on time
This might be just a “me” issue, but please, be on time. If you agree to meet at 7:00pm, be there at 7. Not 7:15 or 7:30 or 8!. In today’s day and age, our time is precious. We don’t have a lot of it to spare, at least I know I don’t most times. And just like I mentioned above about being respectful of one’s messages, respect the other persons time. I completely understand that sometimes things happen. Traffic might be really bad because of an accident on the route to the meeting place, or maybe you got a speeding ticket (actually this has happened to me). But those are rare situations, and all it takes is a quick message to let the other person know. This by far has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. 5 minutes is acceptable without a message. Anything more, and I would let the other person know why I was late and my approximate arrival time.
So, there you have it. My two cents. Of course, I’m always open to receiving feedback, and enjoy hearing other peoples stories about this crazy online world we live in. Most importantly though, stay safe out there. Sadly, there are too many stories of crazy people out in the online dating world. Tell a friend where you are going, and message them when you get there and halfway through. I even tell my date to message their safe person at some point in the evening. But that’s just me! And lastly, if you as an individual are not happy with yourself. If you feel that another person can bring you happiness and joy, that they can fill that black hole in your heart and soul, well you shouldn’t be on an online dating site. No one can make you happy and healthy. Only you can make that happen. Get yourself better before you hurt someone without meaning too.
Cheers,
Patches
For more insight from our guest blogger, please follow him on twitter @WallPatches
Cheers!
In the winter of 2014, I began my foray into the online dating world. I was resistant to the idea for so long, and kept insisting to my friends that I wanted to meet someone the natural, organic way (don’t we all?). Finally, after months of my friends trying to persuade me, and my own feeling of stagnation in my dating life (read: it was non-existent), I decided to bite the bullet.
I should note that up until then, I really hadn’t dated at all – so the dates that followed were not only my first online dating experiences, but my first real dating experiences period.
I did the online thing on and off for the next two years, and learned a lot. Hindsight is 20/20, and if I only knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and tears that were wasted on undeserving boys. Below are some lessons and do’s and don’ts, based on my personal experiences. Would love to get input from you all, and this may very well turn into a multi-part post!
Disclaimer: the lessons below are my own personal thoughts, and others may very well disagree – in the game of love, there is certainly no right or wrong!
If a guy is consistently messaging you, but doesn’t ask you out within the first 2-3 weeks, he is stringing you along. Move on.
This one took me a while to learn, and is a situation that happens way too often to girls in the online dating world. A guy will regularly send messages, ask how your day/weekend was, and engage in flirty banter. But no mention of meeting up for an actual date. Why? Why??? This situation drove me crazy at first, and I couldn’t make sense of it.
After a while, it dawned on me – this guy was stringing me along. He was waiting to see how it worked out with the other 3-10 girls he was chatting up, and was keeping me on the backburner in the meantime. He was being strategic – he didn’t want to put his eggs in one basket, so he was messaging me (and likely others) to keep the lines of communication open. That way, if it didn’t work out with other girls, it wouldn’t look so weird and random to later ask me out.
I can’t say I am necessarily against this tactic. There are only so many hours in a day, and if a guy is seeing other girls, it makes sense to see how it plays out with them before dating a new “batch” of girls.
However, it doesn’t mean that I have to accept being a backup plan. Even the simple act of messaging back and forth takes a lot of time and effort. If it never results in an actual meeting, it’s frankly a waste of my time.
So I made a resolution: if a guy didn’t ask me out within 2-3 weeks of messaging, I would stop responding. In my experience, if no date happened in the first 2 weeks, it was never going to happen anyway. And cutting that dud out of my life meant I now had more time and energy to message new prospects.
Exception: obviously there are one-off circumstances – they are traveling, or give you a reason for being legitimately busy for those few weeks, but make it clear they do want you see you. But barring any exceptional circumstances – after 3 weeks, cut it off. You are no one’s Plan B.
Some of you may be saying, why didn’t YOU ask them out? Fair point. But to be frank, I didn’t want to. Plain and simple. I believe that if a guy really likes you, he will ask you out. I certainly would hint to let them know I was interested (sometimes would throw in a, “Oh we should do that sometime!”, hoping they’d take the bait). But I don’t want to be the one to outright ask for a date. If the guy isn’t asking, it means he’s likely not interested. Again – many of you may disagree, but this approach worked for me and prevented me from chasing after guys who weren’t truly into me.
I don’t like coffee dates.
In theory, coffee dates sound cute and perfect, and low-key enough for a first date. But I realized quickly that there’s a crucial flaw: there’s no natural end to a coffee date.
With drinks or dinner dates (not that I condone dinner dates… more on that below), the server will come by and ask if you want another round or the bill. This provides the perfect opportunity to end a date, because you can politely say you’re tired, and just grab the bill.
Coffee dates, on the other hand, provide no such out. You pay for your coffee at the beginning, and then sit down. I found it supremely awkward to end coffee dates, and never knew how to phrase it. “Okay now, I think we’ve chatted long enough, so I’m going to go home now”—that just sounds awkward.
I usually did a fake look at my watch and said something like, “oh, it’s getting late, I should be heading home” – or sometimes pretended I had plans to get to – but either way, the whole thing felt awkward and too abrupt of an ending. And I’m not even just talking about bad dates – I had some decent coffee dates that went on for a half hour too long, because there’s just no easy way to end a coffee date.
Also, if I finished my beverage before his, I always worried – should I get another one, or just sit there, coffee-less? Getting a new one means waiting in line again – and maybe he didn’t want a second coffee. Also, a second coffee/tea seems excessive. So I usually just sat there, thirsty and praying that he’d chug his coffee down so that I could make up an excuse to go home.
At this point, I’m wondering if the real issue is my tendency to overanalyze… but regardless. Me no likey coffee dates.
I don’t enjoy dates where you walk around.
This is yet another seemingly cute date idea. Walk around the city on a beautiful day, take in the sites and attractions, sit on a park bench and maybe grab an ice cream? How can that not be fun and adorable? Why am I such a killjoy, you might ask?
Personally, I found it hard to properly get to know someone when you’re walking side by side on a first date. “Walk around” dates provide for no eye contact, since you’re naturally supposed to be looking ahead. Which meant that I’d awkwardly keep turning my head every few minutes to look at my date as we engaged in conversation. It honestly was more of a hassle (and strain on my neck) than it was worth. If you’re in a big city like I am, you also deal with crowded streets and periodically having people walk between you and bump into you. Not sexy. Not fun.
And where there’s no particular destination in mind, your conversation is interrupted constantly by “should we turn left or right?” “oh I don’t care, you pick!”. It stifles the natural flow of your chitchat.
And just like with coffee dates, there’s no natural end to these types of dates, so at some point, you have to clumsily say, “okay then, well I’m going to go home now”. Again – me no likey.
Dinner on a first date is risky.
This one seems to be less controversial, so I’ll keep it short: if you don’t click with your date, and you have dinner plans, you are now stuck talking to them and sitting through an entire meal (which you may need to pay for) for 1.5 to 2 hours. God help you if the service is slow.
You have been warned.
If you get to the date first, for God’s sake, grab a table.
I would have thought this would be obvious enough. Apparently not, because I arrived at a coffee date (already a strike 1), about 5 minutes late. The guy I was meeting had gotten there before me. When I got there, I saw (and he certainly must have as well) that it was super crowded. Rather than him using his common sense to snag us a table, he stood there like an idiot in the middle of the coffee shop…
Which led to us walking around in circles until we finally found 2 spots together in a less-than-ideal corner. It was an annoying way to start off the date, and could have easily been avoided if he had simply used his brain.
Note: I’m not saying that because he’s the man, he should have gotten the table for us. Whoever gets to the meeting spot first should get a spot – particularly when you see it’s crowded.
The early stages of dating should be easy. If there’s issues early on, heed the red flag and walk away.
No relationship is without its ups and downs. The older you are, the more issues you will inevitably face, and I am not naïve enough to think the honeymoon stage lasts forever.
However – no matter your age, there always should be a honeymoon phase. I know far too many couples who start having issues (and big issues at that) within the first 1-2 months. I’m no expert, but I refuse to believe that’s normal. And invariably, with all of those same couples, it continued to go downhill and ended badly.
The first few months of any relationship should be fun and lighthearted, with both parties putting their best foot forward. Any problems that exist in the beginning will only grow bigger and bigger; the fights that happen at week 3 will worsen in intensity and severity as time goes on. Lackluster and sporadic texting will become even more lackluster and sporadic. If an SO doesn’t care to impress you and showcase their best side to you at the beginning, they certainly won’t have the motivation to do so later on in the relationship.
Bumps in the road in the early stages are red flags. Heed the red flag, cut your losses and move on, before you’re in too deep.
***
I fully realize this post may make me sound like a rigid, uptight bi*ch. I swear I’m a lovely person! But I’ve simply dated enough to know what does and doesn’t work for me, and what early warning signs to pay attention to. It’s when I finally started to be firm about what I wanted that my dates started being fruitful.
What are some dating lessons you have learned? Happy to engage in spirited debate in the comments section, or on twitter @harleybangbang. xoxo
For more posts from this amazing blogger please see her site here!
Cheers!
Dating and Relationship Coaching 