Month: September 2017

Blog Post, Guest Blogs, Online Dating Tips

Guest Blogger: A Man’s Do’s and Don’ts by Patches

Anyone that references Indiana Jones in her bio on her blog page is good in my books, so I thought I would add my two cents to one of her recent posts about the wonderful world of online dating from a single males perspective. Just as her other guest blogger wrote, these opinions are mine. Some may disagree, and that is their right to do so. I may be wrong, but I may also be right…

1. Be Respectful
Being respectful goes both ways, and I will do my best to explain here. As mentioned in her earlier blog post, K-Ghislane said that sending photos of your junk to women is bad form. Now, there are those of you out there that would disagree. Some women actually enjoy receiving said pictures, I happen to know a few of them, but they only like receiving them from their significant other. You know…. the ones that they are currently in some sort of relationship with beyond the cold, emotionless keyboard you’re sitting behind. Hell, I’ve even sent some of those kinds of photos to my partner (when I had one). All you’re doing when you send pics of the junk is immediately putting a woman in defense mode. She very likely won’t respond to many messages that contain those kind of images. You want to see those images, there are porn sites you can visit. You’re ruining the online dating experience for the rest of us. Many women don’t respond to messages because of you, which leads me to my second point about being respectful.

Even though she stole my thunder (I told her that on twitter…. insert eye roll emoticon here), I need to reiterate and emphasize it again. Ladies, please, if a gentleman sends you a very nice, very respectable message, please respond to it. This will satisfy a number of different issues that happen in the world of online dating. Firstly, if you are not interested in the person sending the message, tell them so. 95 out of 100 times, the person on the other end will take it for what it is, move on, and no longer send you message after message after message. For the 5 guys that continue to send messages, that’s what the block feature is for, or report them to the administrator of the site as being harassing. Secondly, I believe that the majority of people in this world have good intentions, and mean well. If you do respond, and strike up a conversation, even though it might not turn out to be “The One” you are meant to be with, you may have met a great friend. Someone that you hang out with outside in the real world. And really, at the end of the day, that should be worth it in itself.

2. Have some recent photos of yourself
So, here we were, chatting for a couple of weeks, had made plans to meet up about a week into our online dating conversation. Everything was going well, on the same page about a number of things. The date was quickly approaching. She was excited, I was excited. It just felt like perhaps we might get off of the online dating site at the same time. I arrived at the pub about 15 minutes early. I like to make sure I can get a table or booth where our conversation can be properly private. I’m sitting in the booth, and I send her a message explaining that I had arrived, and gotten us a booth. A women that looked vaguely familiar walks up to the table and says “Hi Patrick!” My pics are recent, so I’m easily recognizable. I ask who she is, if we’ve possibly met somewhere before. She says “It’s me, Jane!” (name altered for obvious reasons). I pulled out my cell phone and brought up her profile, which was still open from when I had messaged her earlier, showed her the photo of her, and asked her where this woman was? Turns out, her pictures were about 7 years or more old. I politely paid for a drink together, thought I would give the benefit of the doubt, but couldn’t get past the fact that I felt like I had been lied too. Again, this applies to both sexes. I know guys that have pics up from when they were in great shape from playing some sport, but now look like a retired football player. For the love of all that is fair and right, make sure your pics are recent! Safe to say within the last 6 months or earlier.

3. Be on time
This might be just a “me” issue, but please, be on time. If you agree to meet at 7:00pm, be there at 7. Not 7:15 or 7:30 or 8!. In today’s day and age, our time is precious. We don’t have a lot of it to spare, at least I know I don’t most times. And just like I mentioned above about being respectful of one’s messages, respect the other persons time. I completely understand that sometimes things happen. Traffic might be really bad because of an accident on the route to the meeting place, or maybe you got a speeding ticket (actually this has happened to me). But those are rare situations, and all it takes is a quick message to let the other person know. This by far has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. 5 minutes is acceptable without a message. Anything more, and I would let the other person know why I was late and my approximate arrival time.

So, there you have it. My two cents. Of course, I’m always open to receiving feedback, and enjoy hearing other peoples stories about this crazy online world we live in. Most importantly though, stay safe out there. Sadly, there are too many stories of crazy people out in the online dating world. Tell a friend where you are going, and message them when you get there and halfway through. I even tell my date to message their safe person at some point in the evening. But that’s just me! And lastly, if you as an individual are not happy with yourself. If you feel that another person can bring you happiness and joy, that they can fill that black hole in your heart and soul, well you shouldn’t be on an online dating site. No one can make you happy and healthy. Only you can make that happen. Get yourself better before you hurt someone without meaning too.

Cheers,
Patches

For more insight from our guest blogger, please follow him on twitter @WallPatches
Cheers!

Blog Post, Guest Blogs, Online Dating Tips

Guest Blogger: Dating 101: Do’s and Don’ts by HarleyBangBang

In the winter of 2014, I began my foray into the online dating world. I was resistant to the idea for so long, and kept insisting to my friends that I wanted to meet someone the natural, organic way (don’t we all?). Finally, after months of my friends trying to persuade me, and my own feeling of stagnation in my dating life (read: it was non-existent), I decided to bite the bullet.

I should note that up until then, I really hadn’t dated at all – so the dates that followed were not only my first online dating experiences, but my first real dating experiences period.

I did the online thing on and off for the next two years, and learned a lot. Hindsight is 20/20, and if I only knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and tears that were wasted on undeserving boys. Below are some lessons and do’s and don’ts, based on my personal experiences. Would love to get input from you all, and this may very well turn into a multi-part post!

Disclaimer: the lessons below are my own personal thoughts, and others may very well disagree – in the game of love, there is certainly no right or wrong!

If a guy is consistently messaging you, but doesn’t ask you out within the first 2-3 weeks, he is stringing you along. Move on.

This one took me a while to learn, and is a situation that happens way too often to girls in the online dating world. A guy will regularly send messages, ask how your day/weekend was, and engage in flirty banter. But no mention of meeting up for an actual date. Why? Why??? This situation drove me crazy at first, and I couldn’t make sense of it.

After a while, it dawned on me – this guy was stringing me along. He was waiting to see how it worked out with the other 3-10 girls he was chatting up, and was keeping me on the backburner in the meantime. He was being strategic – he didn’t want to put his eggs in one basket, so he was messaging me (and likely others) to keep the lines of communication open. That way, if it didn’t work out with other girls, it wouldn’t look so weird and random to later ask me out.

I can’t say I am necessarily against this tactic. There are only so many hours in a day, and if a guy is seeing other girls, it makes sense to see how it plays out with them before dating a new “batch” of girls.

However, it doesn’t mean that I have to accept being a backup plan. Even the simple act of messaging back and forth takes a lot of time and effort. If it never results in an actual meeting, it’s frankly a waste of my time.

So I made a resolution: if a guy didn’t ask me out within 2-3 weeks of messaging, I would stop responding. In my experience, if no date happened in the first 2 weeks, it was never going to happen anyway. And cutting that dud out of my life meant I now had more time and energy to message new prospects.

Exception: obviously there are one-off circumstances – they are traveling, or give you a reason for being legitimately busy for those few weeks, but make it clear they do want you see you. But barring any exceptional circumstances – after 3 weeks, cut it off. You are no one’s Plan B.

Some of you may be saying, why didn’t YOU ask them out? Fair point. But to be frank, I didn’t want to. Plain and simple. I believe that if a guy really likes you, he will ask you out. I certainly would hint to let them know I was interested (sometimes would throw in a, “Oh we should do that sometime!”, hoping they’d take the bait). But I don’t want to be the one to outright ask for a date. If the guy isn’t asking, it means he’s likely not interested. Again – many of you may disagree, but this approach worked for me and prevented me from chasing after guys who weren’t truly into me.

I don’t like coffee dates.

In theory, coffee dates sound cute and perfect, and low-key enough for a first date. But I realized quickly that there’s a crucial flaw: there’s no natural end to a coffee date.

With drinks or dinner dates (not that I condone dinner dates… more on that below), the server will come by and ask if you want another round or the bill. This provides the perfect opportunity to end a date, because you can politely say you’re tired, and just grab the bill.

Coffee dates, on the other hand, provide no such out. You pay for your coffee at the beginning, and then sit down. I found it supremely awkward to end coffee dates, and never knew how to phrase it. “Okay now, I think we’ve chatted long enough, so I’m going to go home now”—that just sounds awkward.

I usually did a fake look at my watch and said something like, “oh, it’s getting late, I should be heading home” – or sometimes pretended I had plans to get to – but either way, the whole thing felt awkward and too abrupt of an ending. And I’m not even just talking about bad dates – I had some decent coffee dates that went on for a half hour too long, because there’s just no easy way to end a coffee date.

Also, if I finished my beverage before his, I always worried – should I get another one, or just sit there, coffee-less? Getting a new one means waiting in line again – and maybe he didn’t want a second coffee. Also, a second coffee/tea seems excessive. So I usually just sat there, thirsty and praying that he’d chug his coffee down so that I could make up an excuse to go home.

At this point, I’m wondering if the real issue is my tendency to overanalyze… but regardless. Me no likey coffee dates.

I don’t enjoy dates where you walk around.

This is yet another seemingly cute date idea. Walk around the city on a beautiful day, take in the sites and attractions, sit on a park bench and maybe grab an ice cream? How can that not be fun and adorable? Why am I such a killjoy, you might ask?

Personally, I found it hard to properly get to know someone when you’re walking side by side on a first date. “Walk around” dates provide for no eye contact, since you’re naturally supposed to be looking ahead. Which meant that I’d awkwardly keep turning my head every few minutes to look at my date as we engaged in conversation. It honestly was more of a hassle (and strain on my neck) than it was worth. If you’re in a big city like I am, you also deal with crowded streets and periodically having people walk between you and bump into you. Not sexy. Not fun.

And where there’s no particular destination in mind, your conversation is interrupted constantly by “should we turn left or right?” “oh I don’t care, you pick!”. It stifles the natural flow of your chitchat.

And just like with coffee dates, there’s no natural end to these types of dates, so at some point, you have to clumsily say, “okay then, well I’m going to go home now”. Again – me no likey.

Dinner on a first date is risky.

This one seems to be less controversial, so I’ll keep it short: if you don’t click with your date, and you have dinner plans, you are now stuck talking to them and sitting through an entire meal (which you may need to pay for) for 1.5 to 2 hours. God help you if the service is slow.

You have been warned.

If you get to the date first, for God’s sake, grab a table.

I would have thought this would be obvious enough. Apparently not, because I arrived at a coffee date (already a strike 1), about 5 minutes late. The guy I was meeting had gotten there before me. When I got there, I saw (and he certainly must have as well) that it was super crowded. Rather than him using his common sense to snag us a table, he stood there like an idiot in the middle of the coffee shop…

Which led to us walking around in circles until we finally found 2 spots together in a less-than-ideal corner. It was an annoying way to start off the date, and could have easily been avoided if he had simply used his brain.

Note: I’m not saying that because he’s the man, he should have gotten the table for us. Whoever gets to the meeting spot first should get a spot – particularly when you see it’s crowded.

The early stages of dating should be easy. If there’s issues early on, heed the red flag and walk away.

No relationship is without its ups and downs. The older you are, the more issues you will inevitably face, and I am not naïve enough to think the honeymoon stage lasts forever.

However – no matter your age, there always should be a honeymoon phase. I know far too many couples who start having issues (and big issues at that) within the first 1-2 months. I’m no expert, but I refuse to believe that’s normal. And invariably, with all of those same couples, it continued to go downhill and ended badly.

The first few months of any relationship should be fun and lighthearted, with both parties putting their best foot forward. Any problems that exist in the beginning will only grow bigger and bigger; the fights that happen at week 3 will worsen in intensity and severity as time goes on. Lackluster and sporadic texting will become even more lackluster and sporadic. If an SO doesn’t care to impress you and showcase their best side to you at the beginning, they certainly won’t have the motivation to do so later on in the relationship.

Bumps in the road in the early stages are red flags. Heed the red flag, cut your losses and move on, before you’re in too deep.

***

I fully realize this post may make me sound like a rigid, uptight bi*ch. I swear I’m a lovely person! But I’ve simply dated enough to know what does and doesn’t work for me, and what early warning signs to pay attention to. It’s when I finally started to be firm about what I wanted that my dates started being fruitful.

What are some dating lessons you have learned? Happy to engage in spirited debate in the comments section, or on twitter @harleybangbang. xoxo

For more posts from this amazing blogger please see her site here!
Cheers!

Blog Post, Online Dating Tips

Direct Communication

Do you have troubles like I used to with being direct? Read my story below, and for more like it, please check out the complete blog .

This may be an odd thing to write about, especially seeing as to many this could be viewed as a very basic concept, but I must admit it is one that I have been poor at for a long time. In my teens I went through a common communication loop where every reaction I had was in the negative. If someone asked if I wanted to do something, my teenage angst self would reply with “no”, and then I would wait to be talked into doing it. I was reluctant to accept anyone’s ideas or thoughts outright and needed to be swayed. I was skeptical and close minded about all new things and ideas. To this day I still find myself falling into this pattern. Just last weekend, when asked a direct question, without even thinking I said no, and then pathetically tried to talk myself out of the no because it was not even close to the appropriate answer.

But here I am trying very diligently to break this habit and start forming new ones that integrate directness with accuracy, and no longer default to my habitual negative reactions. What is surprising me most about this quest, is my interactions with men on the online dating community. When a guy I was not interested in would message me a few years ago, I would react with a negative answer, or I would just delete the person from my message folder. One is negative, and the other some would argue is even worse, being just passive aggressive. Neither made me feel very good, and on some level I knew that I had to change my reactions to something that would not leave me in that bad mood I was left with.

So a couple of weeks ago I tried something different when a similar typed male who would message me. I tried being direct, clear, concise and most importantly removed the wishy washy language, from my return messages. Shockingly, by simply saying, “thanks for the message. You are not my type, but best of luck to you”, I am getting the most amazing replies. Instead of having guys try and argue their way into my head, or get angry or wounded by my rejection, they reply with a simple “no problem, and have a good night”. It baffles me just how wonderful this new feedback loop is. I remove all emotion or vagueness from my replies, and I receive in return simple replies back without any animosity. I can appreciate right now if you are reading this and going, “well duh K, what did you think would happen. Have you honestly never dealt with men before?” And yes if you are still reading to this point you are welcome to judge me for such a simple fact that I feel like I have just discovered, but consider this.

My entire adult life, I have been working on seductions, love, building relationships and improving communication with people that I was really interested in. Not once did I really stop to think about all the relationships out there that I do not want, and how to react to those in a kind, but firm manner. And that is the point of this very specific skill set that has been brought to light for me. There is importance in learning how to close a door, and likewise value in learning how to just walk past a door without even looking in. I get lost in the middle, whereby I look at the door, contemplate the door and then either wish that I had never looked at the door, or stand there blankly when the door gets opened for me. So finally figuring out that there can be a positive outcome to just closing down a conversation with someone right from the get go is a huge thing for me. Direct communication has made me insecure for a long time. It is not a form of communication that I ever thought needed practice or even a second thought. And wouldn’t you know, I was obviously wrong, and can only start practicing this missed opportunity on a go forward basis.

Blog Post, Online Dating Tips

Dating: The How To… Online

I received a comment from dating, how to, and I realized that this needed a full blog. I really love feedback and your comments. It keeps my writing current and hopefully you the reader coming back to this site or maybe even bookmarking it as a favorite? So onwards for the topic of internet dating and meeting people from the cyber land in person for the first time. I have dated, met friends, and my current boyfriend all via the online world of internet dating. I fully endorse this system of getting out there as an amazing tool if used correctly and I will elaborate on that shortly. For this blog I have also sourced out some questions to a man who almost made a full time job of the online dating scene to ensure that the information provided will work for both sexes.

So first and foremost, breath, and relax. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but when I found myself single and very alone, it was my mom who suggested the online world. I took her advice, poured myself a glass of wine and began to create my online profile. I’m not sure if it was to booze or the nerves of putting myself into the online world of dating but suffice to say I learned a lot about myself. I followed the structure that the dating site provided, answered all questions and uploaded a couple of photos. Within a week I deleted the profile! The main reason being is that the stuff I wrote about myself, based on the responses from the guys online, just wasn’t who I really was. Which brings me to a really critical point about the online world, it is so easy to write a profile depicting the person you think you are or want to be. And this is exactly what I had inadvertently done.

In the back of my mind I knew I couldn’t be objective about who I was, and I needed to figure out a few things. I began to write a bit and really figure out what makes me me. Two and a half weeks later I re wrote a profile and gave it another shot. When I was able to write objectively and keep in mind that these are men I potentially want to meet I was more honest and upfront. I know I stretched the truth in my first profile, so I am sympathetic with those who want to write about themselves in the best light possible. But I would really recommend writing about the good and truthful attributes that make you so special and sexy to a possible mate, and just keep the rest to yourself. No use lying as it’s a dead end when you meet in person.

Next step is to have fun. Possibly a harder one to do as the temptation to keep it really serious and find that soulmate can be very strong. But here’s the reality, you will not and I quote here, “hit a home run the first time you get out there”. Online dating is a very specific skill set and it takes a bit of practice. If you take it too seriously you will sink, you will get frustrated and you will not want to ever tell anyone that you met your partner online. It’s fun going through photos and checking out profiles, so don’t kid yourself. It’s a great invention this online dating pool, as you get a photo and a few written words or a predefined survey that the anonymous person has filled out. Are they a smoker? do they have kids? a car? and the list goes on. These questions are things that you don’t get to ask on a first date or in a bar, so there is an element that makes it easier to weed out people. There are many tools built into this online system that if used correctly and in a fun way can give you some great experiences.

I’m going to give a few tips that helped me out and I hope will be valuable to someone out there too. I firmly believe that an online dating site is like a great sorting hat. That being said it’s remarkably easy to sway and get swayed buy the written word. One of the systems I implemented for myself was not to write back and forth more than a few times before setting up a meeting in person. It is very easy to idealize an only person that you seem to click with over the net. The studies have shown that there is a very specific chemistry that either occurs or just doesn’t in a first time meeting. It sucks when you have invested a month chatting with someone, you really feel that everything clicks, and then you meet, and bleh! There is just nothing there. And believe me this happened so freaking often to me that it prompted this meeting rule.

This goes hand in hand with a point that my “expert” mentioned which is that you can use this opportunity to meet new people. Keep the online sweet and simple, use it as a filtering tool. As well it was recommended to meet all sorts of people. especially those that you may not normally seek out. I have met a few people online, that when we got together there was no chemistry, but still there was something awesome about them that made us continue a great friendship. If you are having fun, you open the doors to new experiences and get to experience new people. Plus if you are having fun with it, making mistakes is not so costly. And guess what? There are a tonne of mistakes to be made when meeting a person for the first time under these circumstances.

Because of this some safeguards should be in place, especially for the female variety. I always told a friend the time and location of each person I was meeting. I even went so far as to have them on the phone while I waited for the guy to show up. This ensured that if it was a total creep or I felt uncomfortable I had an very easy out. Of course public places are a must. This next tip is good to keep in mind both with the first meeting and the first date, and that is that for all Internets and purposes this is a total stranger. Do not be afraid to walk away if they have outright lied about their appearance. Who knows what else they could be lying about. This warning is a bit dire, however safety is something to always consider and there is truth to online predators.

The last point as brought up by the comment that sparked this blog is about facebook and social media. Learn from past mistakes and don’t give out your facebook information. This is a total stranger and these sites are for friends or family. You open yourself up to a whole heap of uncomfortable outcomes by letting this person have access to your life in this way. A few examples of why I don’t encourage this sharing of information are as follows. You are granting the person access to your information, even as simple as the way your friends interact with you online, this person is not a friend at this point. Also you are giving the person permission to perceive you in a way that may not be the way you really are or as people who have known you for years do. This goes hand in hand with not sending more than a few emails before meeting. Its very easy to get sucked into reading into pictures or comments of a person you barely know, and projecting your own experiences into their online memories. Very creepy, and of course this can lead directly into stalking of you or your friends.

On that note, have fun firstly. Be safe and enjoy the experience of meeting all these new people. Of course if you meet a creep or have the worst date ever, write it down, or share it with your friends. Look back on the adventure with as much fondness as you can, because you made it fun. Your life has new people in it because of this online world of dating.

To read more dating tips from K-Ghislaine, or to view the full blog please click here.